How Do You Face Your First Anniversary After a Divorce?

Four years ago to this day, I was checking into a hotel with my soon to be husband. Anxious about the events that would occur over the next few days. I celebrated last nights as a misses with the girls who meant the most to me. I would have a rehearsal at the gazebo & a dinner that followed with people who had so many nice things to say about our love & on that third day I would be married. What was easily the happiest day of my life, is bringing me so much anxiety and sadness. My head knows that we grew apart, that our souls no longer aligned. My heart on the other hand is hurting. I truly thought I was healed, but the memories are coming flooding in. Not only those happy memories but all the sad and hurtful ones. Sadly PTSD is consuming me. Little things trigger me to have flashbacks that are causing me extreme anxiety. It’s funny that I am dreading September 23rd this year, it can’t be any worse than last year. Last year I woke up to no text message, so I texted him in which he took several hours to reply. It was a short message “happy anniversary” no I love you, no babe, no emojis. It’s almost as if he forgot about it. We always exchanged gifts and cards. Nothing from him… not one thing. I jokingly mentioned where are my flowers. We got into a huge fight. The magic was gone and we were just another American married couple. A little over a month later, it all ended. The sad thing is knowing how it all ended I would do it all over again. He was once my world, my best friend. He got me through some of the hardest times of my life. He was always there for me and helped shape me into the woman I am today. I am thankful for the love I was shown and I am thankful for the hurt, because it’s made me stronger. I am a firm believer that everything happens for a reason. As I write this, I realized one thing, I don’t blame him anymore for what happened, I don’t hate him anymore. I can finally said I forgive him, because he’s not a bad person, he did something bad but I’m not going to let that define him. I’m not writing for sympathy, just writing to get it off my chest. I do want to make one thing clear, I wouldn’t change my life now. I am stronger, more independent and overall happier. The dreadful day is only 3 days away, and I keep reminding it’s okay to cry it’s okay to be sad, because acknowledging the pain will only make me stronger. I just can’t allow my self to stay sad to long. September 23, 2017 will always hold a special place in my heart.

Coping strategies I plan to use.

1. Forget about trying to be happy on your anniversary

2. Remember that you’ll never have to experience this “first anniversary” again

3. Believe in your heart’s ability to heal after divorce

Brit 💖

Life, because it happens!

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Just a little life update since my last post. Life has been trying at times, but has been a fun journey the last few months. I have enjoyed getting to know myself again. Some major life changes have happen. In February I got into a car accident that totaled my car, I was devastated, my car was only two months old. I was able to get another car and recovered really well. I started a new job, at comprehensive behavioral health as a case manager, one step closer to my dream of becoming a counselor! So far I really enjoy it. I’m looking forward to the long term knowledge I will receive and helping patients. I feel very official, I get to make my own schedule, schedule patients and have a work phone. It’s the little things right? Speaking of little things, I have been seeing someone for a few months now, and he’s amazing! I enjoy our time together, we have taken several little trips, which I get to explore new areas. Remember when I used to not be able to travel? That’s a thing of the past. Speaking of things of the past, I’m almost 3 weeks off medications, I stopped taking Xanax, WHAT? I stopped talking xanax! Who would have thought. I’m a lot happier, I really didn’t think this would of ever been possible, I thought I was stuck on it for life. The pups are doing great, and that guy I mentioned in seeing treats them so well, it honestly melts my heart to see how much they love him. Axl broke his paw, but acted like it was nothing, he’s still the same happy pup. Roo is getting so big and listens pretty well now. My little eva is still my happy little girl, loves to snuggle! Overall my life has improved a lot, I’m happy, truly happy, I have my days, but for the most part, I am happy! Now for the big reveal, that life changing event that happened in October, well I’m completely over it, I didn’t think it was possible to wake up one day and not care what he’s doing or seeing. I truly realized how terrible things has gotten and how much effort I put in and for nothing in return. How I was worth it, my happiness is worth it.

Ladies, I will say this, if things don’t feel right WALK AWAY. Walking away has been the best thing I could have ever done. I don’t regret my time with him, because was a lesson not a mistake. A lesson to teach me what I deserve, how I can be a better person, what I need to give in a relationship, but also what I deserve. Let me tell you, several times over the years, I wasn’t happy and wanted to talk away, but was scared, scared of dating of paying bills or being on my own. My fear held me back, and made me miserable, the girl I was a year ago is totally different than I am now. I am experiencing things I have never experienced. I wouldn’t change anything that has lead me to this point, but ladies know your worth, because when you give and give you lose yourself. Don’t Do that. Know your worth because your worth it!

I’m gonna end this here, overall I’m doing wonderful and hopefully will update y’all more often. But no need to worry about me, because I couldn’t be happier if I tried. The laughs are genuine, the conversations are deep and real. And I will tell you this guy makes me feel like a little girl again, who has a crush, because each day he find a way to make me laugh and better myself. I can’t give him all the credit for my happiness, but he deserves some of it!

Xoxo Brit! 😘

The loss that comes with divorce…

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The root to all my sadness is complex. At times I am sad my marriage ended, and other times I’m relieved, because I know it’s for the best. The thing people done realize with divorce is the extra sadness that’s comes with it. I am sad that holidays will be different. I am sad that people who were once family, will become just another familiar face. I am sad at the events that I will miss because they were associated with him. I am sad about the friends I will lose because they came with him. The sadness isn’t just losing your husband, but the people and traditions that’s were once associated with him. For me this is the third holiday that has been different. Halloween was easy, not much associated with that one. The next was thanksgiving. Thanksgiving was so different this year. What was once a large double family gathering was small and quiet. This year it was just my family, in the past we made it tradition to have both of our families together for one big dinner at our house. I am thankful for my family dinner and I enjoyed how intimate it was. I am big on tradition so I was a upset that it was different, so I couldn’t fully enjoy it! Christmas is just 3 days away, things are already different due to Covid, but for me it’s just another holiday without the same traditions. I am happy to make new ones, but I miss the idea of being busy making 4 different stops in a matter of two days! Fitting everyone in. I used to hate that we had so many place to go, but over the years I have come to enjoy it. This year, it’s just my family, no making a schedule to fit everyone in. No wrapping presents for all the stops, no bonus family this year. Something I never thought about was losing family and friends that have become part of my life for the last 9 years. I am sad, I feel like I have lost them all. I know people say we will stay in touch but they are just saying that, to make it though the awkward situation. The truth is they will call or text in the beginning, checking in on your and one day you’ll never hear from them again, until your at the store and pass a familiar face that you once knew so well. I never associated this with divorce till I experienced it myself. There is a lot more loss than losing your significant other. Part of me is thankful that I get to go through these major holidays while it’s still fresh, because I have an excuse to be sad, in a year I’ll have new traditions, but this year I can mourn the new losses and be okay with it.

If you know someone facing divorce and your not sure what to do. Be their friend no matter what, don’t make false promises & understand that they are going to miss you.

I understand you want to be neutral, try and not choose a side. Try to be friends with both parties. If your family of one side, just remember they were once a family member and the marriage may not of worked but your accepted that person as family so it’s okay to still be there for both sides. ❤️❤️

A chapter ended and a new one begins…

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I have always viewed my life as a book. We all have chapters of our lives, some last a long time and others are short. I recently closed a 9 year chapter. I confirmed my biggest fear, my husband had been cheating on me. I went though three stages of emotions.My first thoughts were anger, I never wanted to see or hear from him ever again. I was disappointed and disgusted with him. He knew that cheating was something that was unforgivable to me. I have seen cheating throughout my life and it was one of the things I asked to never happen to me. The next was sadness and forgiveness. I swore I’d never forgive a cheater, but there I was willing to give him another chance, I offered marriage counseling, to change myself, to work on our marriage, because when I said I do, I meant it forever. He wanted to end it. I was devastated, I stood their begging him to let me fix things, to let me change, let me be the person he needed me to be. As he walked away I cried, harder than I had ever cried before. The emotions I felt that day in the park will be with me for the rest of my life. I honestly lost a part of myself that day. A part of me I may never get back. I Immediately pulled myself together and put a smile on my face. I accepted what happened. I know I Couldn’t change something that was unchangeable. I wasn’t going to let my life end because I was sad. I put a brave face on, and jumped into something I Had not done since I was in high school. I started dating. I needed to fill the loneliness, the hole he left in me. Some may say I jumped into dating to fast, yeah and maybe I did. I needed to feel good about myself, and I found that on dating Apps. Guys showing me attention, making me feel wanted, they made me feel attractive, and made me feel good about myself, something he stripped me of. I needed that. It was helping me heal. I started trying things I had never done Before. I started traveling I started to love myself again. A situation that was so terrible and took part in destroying mecould never be good right? Wrong I am better than I have ever been. My confidence levels are at an all time high, I feel pretty, wanted and attractive. Losing him helped me find me. Everyday I find something new to love about myself and my life. I am going to be completely honest, I am sad at times. At times I text him, hoping this is all a dream. I have moments of weakness. Overall, even though sometimes I wan him back, I know our relationship is toxic. We brought out the worst in each other. I look back on our memories and I know we had some pretty great times, but we also had some pretty terrible times. Times I regret, times I wish I could take back. I look at our relationship and think in the beginning we truly loved each other, that’s why we got married, over the years we lost that spark and we got comfortable. So comfortable that we kept things going. I look at our relationship and think we were best friends, who slept in the same bed. Our love was strong but not in the way we needed. I can go on and on about the this topic, but I think I got the points across that needed to be said. If you ask me how I am doing the answer will change daily, and even hourly. Sometimes I am sad, confused, & mad. Other times, most times I happy, confident, enjoying life…. this isn’t the end of my book, just the end of a chapter. I wouldn’t change anything in the last nine years. Its part of the reason I am the person I am now. Each chapter of our story is meant build us.the past can’t be changed we can only move on. I look forward to the next chapter of my life, no matter what it holds, I’m gonna make the best of it.

xoxo Brit

Will a bandaid heal a wound?

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I recently had my life turned upside down. Like shattered into a million pieces. I have spent the last two weeks trying to rebuild it. The hardest part is I can’t help but blame myself. When I got sick in 2013, my husband adjusted to my new reality, everything changed. I changed so dramatically I was no longer myself, I learned to live the life I was being handed at the time and try and make the best of it. My husband was so supportive, he made sacrifices to be with me! Looking back the worst part of that was I never gave him the credit he deserved, I guess I took what he did and didn’t do because of me for granted. I now live with constant regret because he always put my needs before his, to only get the bare minimum from me. I’m not sure if the exact time line but this must have been where things started to go south. Being the selfish person I was I never noticed that his happiness was slowly fading. Jump to last year, 2019 was my year! The year my life became worth living again. I started to get better, but as I got better I became more selfish and self obsessed that once again, I only worried about myself, my happiness, what I wanted to do and when. We went from being a chill at home couple to me wanting to go everywhere, downtime? There was no such thing. I wanted to be doing something at all times. He wasn’t used to all the going, and never stopping. I never asked him what he wanted to do, I always made our plans and expected him to be happy with them. Now here we are, 2 weeks ago he left for 3 days to think, I couldn’t understand how he could do that to me. I pleaded to him, how selfish he was being, when in reality I was the selfish one. I turned his points against him. Not going to lie, a lot of stuff when down, most that I don’t want to talk about, especially for the world to see. I once again being the selfish person I am, I decided to turn to self harm, to try and make him come back, I grabbed a razor blade, and just started cutting my skin, the first strike of the blade sent me into another world, for those five seconds it took for me to run the blade across my wrist, I felt good. So I repeated it, several more times and the more I did it the more I broke down inside, I hated what I just did to my skin, now I was dealing with emotional pain and physical pain. I let the blood dry, on my arm, as I felt Disgusted with myself. He came back that night, because I threatened suicide for the 100th time since we’ve been together. I can honestly say at that point in time I had never been so sure in my life that I was going to do it that night. I called my dad pleading him to come get me, because I was scared that I was going to hurt myself. Like I said my husband did come back and he slept in the bed next to me, I look back and think how selfish I was at that moment. I was selfish because I made him come back when he needed a breather, but also selfish because I almost ended my life. The next two days were really hard, I went to my campgrounds with my little brother because being in the woods and surrounded by family would help right? Boy was I wrong, just like the band aide on my wrist it wasn’t helping. I can honestly say before this happened, I questioned my marriage several times, his he really the only guy I am ever going to be with? Are we meant to be together? Does he deserve better? Do we both need to have random hook ups after a night drinking at the bar? What was sex like with someone else? I remember that Second night thinking, all of those what ifs were answered. I didn’t want to be with anyone else, he was the only guy I wanted in my life. It was my dads birthday weekend, so I went to the store and bought a cake for him and picked up a brownie because I knew my husband would love it, just to remember that he wasn’t there. Everything I looked at was tied to him. The clothing I wore the memories of things we did while I wore those clothes played in my head over and over again. His stuff being all around me, I sunk deeper and deeper. I couldn’t lose him, I wouldn’t lose him. The second night, I decided to spend time with my friend at her campsite. I took my phone and left it at my camper. At first it was so hard. I wanted to know did he call? Did he text? As the night went on it got easier and easier not to check it. I remember going to bed around 12:30 and thinking I went 5 hours without my phone, I was finally starting to give him the time he needed. That Saturday he came back, things have been a roller coaster, ups and down all over the place. That Monday we spent most of the day together, but things still were rocky, that night we talked on the deepest level I think we have ever talked. The flood gates were opened. For the first time in 8 years I felt emotional, physically and mentally attached with him. The next day I had a therapy appointment and if you have read any of my other blog post then you know she’s my rock, I have overcome so much with her by my side, as we talked I realized that what my husband was asking of me wasn’t much at all. It actually is easy to give him some of the things he needs. Thing go really good until I left my mind wonder off. I start to question him, jealousy has become this large part of me. My insecurities cause me to go back into my controlling ways, then when I do start to get that way, I freak out because I worry that I pushed him away. It’s been a vicious cycle other the past two weeks. Coming from a girl who already worries, I now worry more. I am a worrier not a warrior! My emotions are all over the place, I cry at moments for no reason. I constantly feel like I say the wrong thing, or do the wrong thing, I ask my self if I am holding him back, I can’t help but to left my mind wonder and worry. If I had to decide how we are doing right now, I would say we are doing okay. Our communication is stronger than it has ever been, honestly I’m not sure if he feels this way but I don’t think I can get any deeper in my communication. We have reconnected sexually and I think that is also the strongest we have ever been. The problem is we are both struggling with happiness. He’s worried I’m not happy and I’m worried he’s not happy. We need to find why we fell in love in the first place and do it all over again. I think we are going pretty good with that, but living in Ohio we all know we all eventually hit a pot hole, and boy have we hit some pot holes, but we are still holding on! I have so much hope and faith that we are going to get back on the road soon. I feel like each day I am getting stronger even though I breakdown and cry, I am still stronger than yesterday. Someone wise told me to look down at my wrist, are the scars still there after two weeks? I replied yes! She said well like the cuts on your wrist are healing, they take time to heal fully, I said okay? And she said an emotional injury is the same, it take time to heal, it won’t happen over night and if it tired it would get infected, so it’s best to wait out the healing process. I couldn’t have felt that Analogy any deeper than I did. If we weren’t actually working on it and hitting pot holes than it would be like putting a band-aide on, and when we pulled it off, things wouldn’t be any better because the wound didn’t get any air to heal. The take away is we took the right approach to healing our relationship instead of the easy, fix that would eventually end. We are in it for the long haul, but we are both getting stronger everyday!

The answer to the title is yes, a bandaid will heal a wound till an extent but it need eventually the wound needs fresh air!

I do not in anyway condone cutting, I should never have done it, I wanted to bring awareness as well! Also suicide is never the answer if you are suffering from suicidal thoughts, do not hesitate to talk to me or call the suicide Hotline at 1-800-273-8255 never fight in silence!

Thank you for reading, I really needed to get this all off my chest and what better way than share it on my mental health blog!

xo Brit!

Many medicines, few cures

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Changing medication

Disclaimer- this blog post was written in the moment, I am posting it now but not changing it, because what I said is true even if I wrote it out of frustration.

Why don’t we ever talk about starting a new medication? I just started a new depression medication, the medication is supposed to be one of the best on the market, it’s combines all three major hormones into one, it’s called Trintellix. Well let me tell you, I feel like shit, as I write this. I woke up for work this morning after a normal night of sleep. I am so tired. I felt like I was gonna fall asleep while driving. As I sit at work writing this fighting sleep. I feel like I have been awake for over 24 hours. Not to mention, the room is spinning, my head feels like it’s gonna explode. About 30 minutes after taking the tiny pill, I felt like I was gonna throw up, as well having stomach discomfort. This is how my next two weeks might be. At this point, some of you are thinking, so stop taking it. If your one of those people either, you are not on a medication or you just didn’t experience the side effects. My response to those questioning why I am still gonna wait out the next two weeks until it’s in my system, well the answer is simple, I need it. I have tried over 9 anti-depressants. The reviews of this one are promising, but sadly, side effects affect us early on and some people don’t give it a shot. The two weeks of torture, could lead to me finally to the right combination of medication or it could just not work. For some with severe depression, this is trial and error. I have high expectations that this medication is going to be great. I just wish people understood, how hard it is to change a medication. Let me just tell you a few of the side effects to starting a new medication might be, tiredness, irritability, short tempers, sadness, wanting to isolate yourself, tons and tons of physical side effects. I personally know when I start a new medication, I am extremely emotional, frustrated, I lack emotion, I feel lonely, my self confidence is lower, I sorta feel empty, I don’t feel I have much to offer. These don’t last long, but when they do, I want you to know that I am not being rude. I just don’t know how to control what I am feeling, My body is being pumped with chemicals, to boost my mood. Next time someone says they are starting a new mediation, think about what I have said. They may not be able to express themselves like I can. This topic is so avoided that most people don’t talk about it or even know that this even happens. Let’s talk. Let’s stop the stigmas. Depression is real, medication helps.

PS- Sorry, but I don’t want to hear about alternative methods, I have tried a lot of them they don’t work, also don’t give me take natural stuff, it’s still a chemical. I choose my poison, you can choose yours!

An open letter to anyone who has said “We can’t all be perfect like you”

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captioned this blog post with the phrase “we can’t all be perfect like you” because lately everyone keeps saying that to me. Let me first start by saying, when you say that to someone YOU are comparing yourself not them. Secondly, I’m far from perfect. “Well your relationship is perfect, your job is perfect” blah blah blah. Yes my husband and I have a pretty good relationship, is it perfect no, what relationship is? But let me tell you, we didn’t always have the perfect relationship at all. To get where we are now took years of working and fighting for each other, that we continue to do on a daily basis. We grow together not as one. Am I lucky? Yes. Very. Our relationship is what I like to call old school, the kind of relationship your grandparents had. We learned how to communicate. The number one thing to a good relationship is trust. My husband and I have an insane amount of trust for each other. I usually get this saying from family members, just because the choices I made for myself are different from yours doesn’t make me perfect. I fight daily to maintain my “perfect” life. Am I the perfect daughter, my dad might say yes, but what dad wouldn’t, but no I am not. I get angry, I say stuff I don’t mean, but I try to be a good daughter, there is no perfect daughter, but I work on my relationship with my dad daily. If I had the perfect life, then why did I spend six years isolated from the world, why did I attempt suicide? Why does anxiety have control over me? Why am I depressed? I can be perfect and have all that baggage. My life is the way it is because I put effort into my life. I but effort into my relationships, my friendships, my school work, my job. The next time you compare yourself to me by saying “we can’t all be perfect like you” remember you said it not me. Your the one who questions how perfect you are. You have the power to change, you have the power to have good relationships, or be good at things, you just have to put effort into it. I am not perfect, but Im happy to be me. I’d rather live my whole life knowing I’m not perfect than spending my whole life trying to be.

Life Update- May & June

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Well, I miss you all!

Since I haven’t written anything in awhile, I am gonna make this more of a life update, with mental health updates.

Last post, I mentioned I was heading to Florida is May, well, it’s now the end of July, so some of you may be wondering did she go? YES, I made it to Florida! I spent the entire 11 days there with only 2 severe panic attacks. Instead of leaving I choose to fight them, I was having so much fun, i didn’t want it to end. The plan ride was a little rough because of an issue with my service dogs, be we made it there and back. I came back a few days before my 25th birthday, I celebrated my 25th on 5/25 how cool? Every weekend since we got back from Florida, we go out to the camp grounds, to hang out with family, swim, cook, just hangout, I love feeling free. I don’t feel like I am stuck at the house anymore, so I absolutely hate being home, I want to be where the people are, as Ariel from the little mermaid sang. I sorta feel bad, my husband has been so supportive of me over the last few years and got used to being home with me, while, now I no longer want to be home, so I feel like I am forcing him to do stuff with me. What I don’t think anyone understands is I spent 6 years 6 years in the house, in Boardman. My family has been camping at the lake for the last 4 years, this is the first year I have been out. I missed so many family moments that I don’t want to miss anymore. Even if we are just sitting around it still beats being stuck on the couch feeling alone. He is working so much and just started a new job, I feel bad dragging him around, but I also feel bad leaving him at home. So I have been feeling a little conflicted, but still very happy and active. I went to the gnash and Anna Clendening concert this month and got to meet gnash for the first time, he was amazing and so loving and nice. I got to meet Anna for the second time and it was just as amazing as the first time, to top it all off she like and commented on my instagram picture. I can help but feel so loved by the people I have met over the last few months. The connections I have made in the last 6 months is insane, the distance I traveled in the last 6 months is 10x the distance in the last 6 years! I am blessed. I am fighting. I am not letting my bad days bring me down. I am not letting them control me.

This is just a quick, well not really that quick update, just so you all know I am till here and doing A-okay. Thank you for support! I promise to get back to my weekly updates soon! I have so many topic ideas, I can’t wait to get them in writing!

-Brittany

My body is my journal and my tattoos are my story! 🐾

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Warning this post gets deep and may offend some people’s views.

Everyone keeps asking if I got my tattoos just to get them or if they have meaning. I wasn’t really sure if I wanted to tell people the meaning behind my first tattoo, but let’s be honest I’m very open about my life so why not be open about this. The first tattoo I got is a heartbeat with a paw print and Axl & Eva’s names. I bet you think know why I got it, uhh because I love my dogs. Yes, I love my dogs but the tattoo digs deeper than that. In January 2016 I was in a bad place, a horrible place, I was ready to end it all. I drove to a bridge with my dogs in my car, I said goodbye to them and walked to the bridge, standing there ready to jump, I felt someone with me, my great grandma hugged me and made me turn around, I glance at my car and Axl & Eva were just looking at me, looking at me with endless love and confusion. I’m that moment I questioned what will they do without me? I will break their hearts, people don’t think dogs grieve but dogs grieve deeper and harder than humans. Their innocent look made me change my mind, they needed me. I was important to them, if I ever felt like I wasn’t loved or supported they would always love and support me. That was my last suicide attempt. Axl and Eva only have a short time with me, when I say short they won’t be with me my entire life, but my tattoo will. The heartbeat symbolizes my life and their names next to it show that they saved my life. I have a constant reminder that my life is worth living every time I look down! The second tattoo (I got them both on the same day) is mountains. The mountains symbolize that our lives are full of peaks and valleys and no matter how low we go we will rise again. Anna Clendening has mentioned that on an Instagram post and it stuck with me. Your tattoos don’t have to have meaning, and you don’t have to tell the world if they do, but I felt that I should let everyone know why they are so important to me.

Who am I?

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So lately, all I hear is “you have changed” “ I don’t even know who you are” “what’s with all the changes” have I changed? The simple answer would be yes, yes I have changed some things in my life. Did I change no, I’m still me! I feel like for the first time in five long years I am living. The only things people are seeing is the “bad” they don’t see the good things I have changed in my life. “You went blonde” “why the sudden hair change” let’s be honest I’m 24 and never died my hair, I was to scared. I mean aren’t blondes hotter? I’m just kidding, I just wanted to do something different, I wanted to look different, I feel different. I don’t have 10000 pounds of weight on my shoulders. Anxiety stole 5 years of life, actually I let anxiety steal 5 years of my life. I hated life. Just to be clear I didn’t hate everything, I had fun times and great people in my life, but anxiety was so much of my life that I spent more days in the last 5 years not wanting to be here then being here. Let’s start with asking this question, have you ever been so stressed about a test, that you felt you couldn’t have fun? All you could do was study? After that test was over you wanted to celebrate? If you answered yes, then you have an idea of how I feel right now. I just survived 5 years of ups and downs, not leaving the house, not doing things, missing events, 5 years of barely living life. To not overcoming anxiety but managing my anxiety, so yes, I want to go a little crazy. Just because I am living and doing stuff that I should of done 5 years ago doesn’t mean I have changed. I am celebrating after life’s test. I smoked hooka once, I didn’t like it, I tried it, big deal, most people have. I got a little tipsy at a bar, I’m 24, did you read that I’m 24 and have never been tipsy, so I wanted to try it. It turns out I laugh a lot. Like a lot a lot. I have friends, I have actually went out of my way to makes friends. I’ve got phone numbers of friends I can call, text and vent too. Umm, the whole tattoo thing was a little spur of the moment. My entire family pretty much has tattoo, I just wanted one. It just happened to be now because I am not scared anymore. They of course have do with anxiety and are full of meaning but we will get to that sometime. So those are some of the “bad” things I done. People don’t realize the good things I have done as well, as mentioned I have friends again, I am always down to do something with friends or family. My weekends are so busy and I love it, I missed out on 5 years of stuff. I think I have become a nicer person, I feel like my mood changed. Even my coworker noticed that I am “nicer” we talk more now than ever. A year ago we hated each other, but now I realized that she is there for me. I maintain my job and a 4.0 in college. I can travel farther distances. Most importantly, I know how to deal with anxiety, I know how to have one bad day but not let it turn into a bad month or year, not let anxiety stop me from doing things that I want. Those to me out weight the “bad” things I have done recently. The answer is no I have not changed I am still me, I still know who I am and where I came from. I just have less fear, I just want to live. I want to feel the high life has to offer. I want to be involved, I want to be like everyone else, I don’t want anxiety to define me anymore, but don’t get it wrong anxiety is still apart of me, it’s just not all of me. Next time you go to make a comment think about what I have said and how that comment is going to affect me well let’s be honest, right now I don’t really care about your opinion because for once my opinion is the only one that matters.

I just want to let anyone who is suffering from mental illness to reach out to me. I am here, I know how your going through, I still have panic attacks daily, but I just have a grip on them and you can too! I will help you, one thing I have been told lately is how motivational I am.

Thank you for reading my rant!

xoxo 💋 Brit

I MET ANNA CLENDENING! 🖤

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I first would like to say that I am sorry I did not post last week, it was crazy with school, work, getting ready for Easter, and of course my trip to Columbus. If you follow me on Instagram or Facebook, I’m sure you already know (your thinking okay, we have heard enough) I meet Anna Clendening on Saturday. She has given me the strength to keep living, to keep fighting, the courage to face my fears. If you don’t know about Anna she and I suffer from the same mental illnesses she also sings about them. I have felt connected to her since the day I heard her songs. Since this is a mental health blog, I should get to the mental health part of the story, well if you read my first post, I have agoraphobia. The furtherest I have made it in the last 5 years was about 1.5 hours away. (That happens this year) I saw that Anna was coming to Columbus. I couldn’t, wouldn’t miss out on meeting her! I instantly bought the tickets, and told myself I was going. Not going to lie the whole week before the concert I thought I wasn’t going to go. I started to worry about it, i actually almost had my husband turn around, but I didn’t. I had to meet Anna. I had to tell her I felt her pain. I had to tell her that her music saved me. I felt sick on the way. I didn’t tell anyone. I just fought it. I thought about the reward. When I got to the concert, Anna’s Sister was working the Merch stand, she was amazing, she talked with me, told me things about Anna, played with my dogs. Anna came out to the meet and greet and saw my pups immediately, she made a comment about them. I for once felt like I could be free. She understands me, understands that I needed them with me. She sang a few songs, let us ask questions and even told us more about her. All while being 5 feet away from her. Then I got to meet her, take pictures and her autograph. She talked on the phone with my little brother and played with my pups. She listened to my story she felt my pain, I felt hers. We cried together, we hugged, I held her hand. In that room we bonded over such a terrible thing, but we felt for each other, I could feel it. She was so down to earth and open about her journey and story. That night I drive 3 hours away. I faced agoraphobia and best it. I didn’t let my anxiety that over my life that night. I wanted to live. I needed to live. I made it, if you take anything from this blog post, keep fighting, don’t let fear consume you. I did for 5 years, I lost 5 years! If Anna can tour and I can get out of my comfort zone, than you can too!

One of these weeks I am going to put together an mental health playlist so keep it an eye out, I know some amazing songs that have helped me become stronger and fight my mental illnesses! 🖤

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Service dogs named Axl & Eva

The reason I choose this topic this week is because I feel this is a topic that not very many people are educated on. Do you have to look disabled to have a service dog? The simple is answer is no! Just because your disability is not visible does not mean you don’t need a service dog! I have two service dogs, when I got diagnosed with my mental disorders 5 years ago, I met my little Eva, she made my life better not only did she make me happy, but if I had her with me, I could leave the house. After 4 months of barley leaving the house my doctor was in shock that the only thing that changed in my life was Eva. I wasn’t healed, I still had my disorders but they were more bearable! My doctor immediately registered her as a service dog! Eva nick named nurse Eva helps me to this day deal with panic attacks, when I wake up in the middle of the night with dry heaves Eva is the one awake and comforting me. When Axl came along we became a trio, once again my doctor got him registered as a service dog as well. Axl helped me in other ways, Axl is very supportive, he knows when I’m going to have a panic attack and try’s to nip it In the butt before it happens. I could go on and on how my pups have helped me fight my agoraphobia and panic disorder but no one wants to read pages about how great my dogs are. The real reason I am writing this is to raise awareness about service dogs for mental illness. On the outside I look healthy, I don’t look like I’m suffering or panicking, little do people know I am, I am a mess. If I don’t have Axl and Eva with me, I wouldn’t be as calm looking. Before I got my service dogs I could barley leave the house. I have been treated poorly for having service dogs because I don’t look sick. I had one guy say to me, you clearly are not blind, no need to have your dog with you. I used to explain my situation, but why should I have to do that? I shouldn’t. I can’t say all my experiences have been bad, one time we went to Denny’s after 3 long years of not being able to eat at a restaurant, we went around 10 pm it wouldn’t be busy and I could take Axl and Eva. When we arrived I told our waitress, they were service dogs and explained my situation, she was amazing she brought the dogs a plate of bacon and with our food brought us our bill and Togo boxes in case we had to leave due to a panic attack. That women made my life so much easier and I was able to stay and eat dinner. If only we had more people like her. Moral of the story is don’t judge someone by their looks, you have no idea how much pain or how hard they are fighting to do something that is so simple for you. When you see someone with a service dog, respect them, understand they need their dog with them. Try not to stare or make comments. We want to be normal! You have no idea how much support a dog can give to you until you have felt it yourself. For some reason they are able to give me confidence.

I kept this kinda brief but if you want to hear more service dog stories let me know. ❤️

Xanax, xanax, xanax…..

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Xanax

The word Xanax used to make me cringe! Ughhh, I hated to say Xanax! People would ask me, your anxiety seems to be a little better, what are you doing for it? I would dread this question. I would respond I’m on new medication. Them: ooh what medication? Me: with that chocked up feeling in my throat, ummm, Xanax. That’s when the person gives you that judgmental stare, I could just feel the persons negativity. Them: you know it’s addictive, your going to become a drug addict, it’s an abused drug. Why would you even take that? Isn’t there something else you can do, go to the gym see a doctor. Umm yes I do see a doctor that’s where I got my prescription, duh. I already workout doesn’t help when my chemicals are off balance. People instantly looked down on me. So many times I would explain myself as if I owed them some reason for my decisions about my health. I would explain I tried 19 medications. Yes, 19! I stated at gentle medications, and worked my way up the scale to benzodiazepines! It’s not like I started with Xanax, I tried everything, I tried seabands, herbal remedies, cutting out caffeine even tried Ativan and klonopin. They didn’t work. Nothing worked, until Xanax, my daily anxiety cocktail consist of Xanax, vistril, Wellbutrin and pristq. All of these medication working together have helped me tremendously! Now I have no shame in saying I take Xanax! Honestly I’ve become so immune to talking about it, I tend to over share. If you take one thing away from this post, I hope that it is you should never be ashamed of taking a medication even if people give you that stare. These medications and Xanax alone have changed my life. I don’t know what I would do without it! Never let someone put you down for making a decision, that affects your health, it has nothing to do with them.

Keep fighting,

Brittany

The Next Chapter

Welcome to the next chapter in my book called life. I have been a single independent women for three months now. I am starting over as a new person. I have spent 10 years being what I thought I needed to be. I have been on a roller coaster of emotions the last three months. Some days, I wish I had my old life back and other I love my new life. I love the independence. I love being able to up and leave without tell anyone. Take a last minute trip and see where I end up. I love the attention I receive from guys. Attention I missed and crave. I have met several great people over the last three months some who have become significant in my life. I love getting dressed up for dates. More importantly I have done a lot of soul searching in the last few months. I truly am on a spiritual journey. I feel more at peace with myself. I took up yoga. Which is the best decision I have made. I love yoga. I have been able to get a physical workout in as well a mental workout. I have been finding inner peace, happiness and healing. I am truly starting to let go of the past. I don’t want to do it to fast because I don’t want it to creep back up on me, so I am taking time. Taking time to heal properly. Yoga has become an outlet for my stress, and anxieties. I am slowly coming out of a long depression. I can honestly say I am starting to be happy truly happy. I am starting this new life with a new mindset. I am starting a new job in just five short days. I am completely thrilled but also sad, sad to close another chapter in my life. I will miss all of my drivers and clients, but I am beyond excited to make new friends, start this new job. This job is a stepping stone into my future career.

I wanted to give an update on my life because it’s not all sad. I have my sad moments, but I have more happy moments now than I do sad.

Healing is in progress. I am healthy & doing great.

I want to thank my support system. Without you guys I don’t think I could remain so strong. ❤️❤️

Self Healing

Here is a list of things I am doing to promote self healing & to let go of past chapters.

❤️Healing is possible

❤️Take the time to heal properly, don’t worry if everyone thinks you should be over something. Take as much time as you need, because In the end you want to truly be healed and not just temporarily fixed.

❤️ Love yourself before you give your heart away.

❤️ find a hobby. Do something you love. I found yoga.

❤️ Never stop working on yourself.

❤️self care is essential. I have been taking baths almost daily with various mixes of salts and bubble baths.

❤️ Find your smile.

❤️Forgive, you don’t have to forget. But forgive for yourself.

❤️ it’s okay to cry. I promise one day the tears will stop, but cry when you need too.

❤️Get fit.

❤️ Take care of yourself. There is not better revenge than being the best version of yourself.

❤️ Make new friends! Girls, or guys. Friends are essential.

❤️make connections with old friends.

❤️ Make family a priority

❤️ Don’t be scared to take steps. Do what you need to do to make yourself happy.

❤️ Meee time

❤️ Let go.

❤️Everything happens for a reason. We can’t see that reason now because we are blinded by fear. Eventually the reason will become apparent.

❤️ never lose sight of your dreams.

❤️Do it. Go on that date, go shopping, go out for drinks.

❤️Don’t let anyone or anything hold you back.

❤️ You got this!

The end…..

The end of my chapter has come. Almost A decade to the day. A complete circle. My ex husband and I officially started dating on January 12 2012 our marriage ended on January 12 2021. I was so upset when I received the letter in the mail, that the day I should be celebrating, my anniversary was the day I would be divorced. I was devastated to say the least. The night before the 12 I couldn’t sleep, I cried and cried. I remembered the good times, the bad times and the sad times. I replayed memories over and over again. I didn’t sleep much that night. The day came and only my Ex and I can explain the emotions we felt as we met in the parking lot before the court hearing. We felt it would be best to go in together. I remember very little from the day, I remember at one point the judge asking if I was okay to continue. I couldn’t stop crying, what was once known as a happy day was now the saddest day of my life. I felt like I was at a funeral for a family member, a very close family member. I felt that I was experiencing great loss. A loss I have never felt. It was over in a matter of 10 minutes, 10 years ended in 10 minutes. We both left and walked into the hallway. We looked at each other and could feel the same pain. The questions, did we just do the right thing? Was it really over? What do we do now? Who am I without you? I didn’t have to say it out loud but we both felt the same thing. We hugged and both just started balling, we knew it was the right thing? But how do you tell yourself that when your emotions are all over the place. After a long hug, we both still didn’t feel right. I invited him over to play with the dogs, because what better therapy right? Axl, Eva and Roo greeted us at the door. We played with the pups for a little and things felt okay. We then sat down and talked, cried, laughed and reminisced. We told each other everything, everything we had experienced since we split, we mentioned how much we meant to each other, and how we wanted to remain friends. We did that the next day as well. One thing we realized we were terrible lovers but best friends the kind of best friends that knew every little piece of each other, the kind of friend that you never want to loose. After that second day we vowed to be friends for as long as we can. After those two days I had hope that things were gonna be okay, I had several weak moments over the last few weeks, but one thing that remains, is knowing that we both and experiencing this together and that we are here for each other. We help each other though it the best we can. I no longer look at the 12 as the worst day ever. But the perfect day to end a chapter. The odds that the day was the exact same day didn’t just happened, it was meant to happen. While I still have my moments. I know we are both going to be okay.

Like I have mentioned before this will always be a chapter in my book and one that I won’t forget, the good, the bad, the happy and the sad. It made me who I am and for that I am thankful.

Letting go…

The broad topic of letting go. How do you let go. As you, my readers know, I am going through a divorce. It’s been a little over two months since things ended, and in a little under a week we will be officially divorced. Ironically our divorce date is the day we meet oh so many years ago. Everyone keeps telling me I need to let go of him. Yes I know I gotta let go of him. I have let go of the idea of there being a him and I. I let go of us ever getting back together. The things I’m having a hard time letting go of are the memories, almost 10 years of memories. I still think of our first date and I think of the last time we talked. How do you let go of 10 years of memories, 10 years of seeing the same person everyday. I’m having a hard time letting go of my best friend. Boy we’re we terrible lovers, but we were so good at being best friends. I knew him like the back of my hand. I knew that everyday I would get to see him and have someone to talk to, someone to let all my feelings flow out to. I knew no matter what I did he was always there for me. How do you let go of the person who held you together for so many years? I have a hard time letting go of the idea of us being together forever. We both know we are not meant to be together forever, but it’s hard to let go of the comfort he brought me, I wanted it to last forever. I was so comfortable with him. I was me and not scared to show him who I was, the sick me, the happy me, the scared me. How do you let go of the person who you shared so many first with? He was the first person I had ever slept with, the first person I shared a bed with, shared a home with. We got our first pet together. He was the first person I said I love you and meant it. He was my first real love. How do you let that all go in a matter of months? I just can’t. I am slowing letting him go, I threw away a lot of the stuff we shared together over the years, pictures, notes, flowers, stuffed animals. Part of me broke inside, that was my life I was throwing away. I was literally throwing away piece of my life. It felt so wrong but at the same time so right. I felt a little bit of relief. The truth is though, I couldn’t let it all go, we have 1000 of printed pictures, I couldn’t throw them all away. How do you let go of picture of first Christmases, first dances, first kisses, I just can’t. One day I’ll loook back when I’m old and think, I’m glad I saved these, because 10 years of memories gone, would be wrong. One day I will tell my kids about my first husband, first love and show them pictures, of when we go our first apartment, our First puppy, spent our first Valentine’s Day together, because those memories make me who I am now. I wouldn’t be the person I was without him. A decade is a long time to spend with someone.

To be honest, I might spend a decade letting him go, if I ever completely let him go.

It is okay! I repeat it’s okay to hold on if you do it in a healthy manner. Like I said I let go of the ideas that we are meant to be together or get back together. That will never happen. I’m not holding on the false hope, I’m holding onto the memories and friendship we had.

It’s okay to grieve, it’s not okay to let grief consume you.

This post is gonna be raw. I have so many people question how I am moving on and not Grieving my recent failed marriage. It has only been two months since my life was flipped upside down. The truth is I am still grieving, but I grieve to myself, on my own time and in my own way. I don’t want to be a victim to grief. Why should I sit at home crying and sad, when I can live my life and take moments to grieve. We as a society have been taught to be sad and until we are not sad about the situation anymore. That’s not who I am. The honest truth is I am going to have moments of sadness for the rest of my life. A song will play and I will think of a memory that went with it. I will come across a picture of when we were happy. I can’t let potential sadness consume me and stop me from living. Life is short, so short that if we spend our time living in sadness it will pass us by. I let people see me happy, because that’s what I am at that moment, I may go home and be sad, but why make myself sad when I don’t need to be. Don’t get me wrong I am sad that my relationship ended, but I am at times happy it ended. You know good relationshipA don’t just end. So while I’m sad that it ended, I’m also relieved. Grief presents in many ways. A lot

Of times I take a 20 minute shower and cry! That is me grieving, but on my own. I don’t need people to see me cry to know that I am sad. Stop questioning someone who is moving on, who is happy when they are with you, because we all grieve differently and in our own ways. You don’t see me cry, but that doesn’t mean I don’t. I have feelings as much as the next.

I have my moments of sadness, but that sadness is going to define me. That sadness isn’t going to steal my happiness. I will not be consumed by grief.

This post was written on September 1st 2020, I never posted it, but reflecting on it made me realize how far I have come.

When does the brokenness go away?

This post is very raw. I found this in my notes. I never posted it. I am posting this so people can see how low I was and how far I have come. There is hope for anyone suffering.

I have felt more and more broken everyday. Sometimes moments help fix me but the glue doesn’t stick long. I have been trying to let go of the things that bother me, but I just can not detach myself. I’ve become obsessed about things and don’t know how to drop them. I’m like an addict needing my next fix. I am creating off the wall ideas in my head. They are irrational and insane, but they make so much sense to me. I don’t know how to fix myself. I don’t know how to be whole again, or even in pieces. I feel shattered. I feel like a piece of glass that was once loved, once someone’s pride and joy. Once was a beautiful, eye catching piece. I feel like I fell off the table and shattered beyond repair. Endlessly trying to be repaired, but the owner knows there’s no hope in fixing the glass. It’s been broken and shattered beyond repair. The only option left is to throw it away. It can’t even be loved again, because when it’s looked at it’s reminded of how it once was so vibrant and beautiful, but now just a pile of broken glass. The memories are not the same. It only brings sorrow and pain, because it’s not the same shiny piece of glass it once was. This is exactly how I feel. I’m broken, I can’t be fixed. I can’t be loved again. I can’t be seen as something that was once beautiful. I feel like the only hope for me, is to be tossed and forgotten about. I think the initial shock of me being gone would hurt, but shortly everyone will realize that I am no longer a burden on them. I think they will finally be able to live again. I think the pain will change to relief. Relief that they don’t have to deal with the nothing I have become, the terrible horrible person I became. I didn’t even realize I became so heartless and horrible. I wish the people around me knew that. I didn’t mean to become selfish. I didn’t mean to become cold. That was never my intention.

No matter how much I change I will never be good enough. I can’t take being a failure, I try and try and try, but my efforts are always over looked by the past. I wish, just wish that I could be what he wants, what he needs, but sadly he will only ever see me as controlling and selfish. It would of been nice if someone told me I was getting so bad, before I became unchangeable.

I can’t take the hurt I feel, the hurt out weighs the good. I try to let good times live on, but they are overcome with sadness, anger, and regrets. I can’t be happy without thinking I don’t deserve it. I feel that I only deserve hurt, pain and sadness. I don’t deserve to be happy, when I have caused so much sadness, and hurt to everyone around me.

I feel that my life isn’t worth living. I have taken so much for granted and don’t deserve a second chance. Why do good people get sick and die, why not people like me? People like me who deserve to die a painful death.